Parole per un'amica

Scene di Ordinaria Follia

Lollipop — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 22:46:57 +0000

Un’amica mi viene a trovare, sono ormai tre anni che non ci vediamo. Pensando di farmi una cosa gradita, mi porta in regalo un sacchetto pieno di dolci fatti a mano da sua mamma. Per di più dolci fritti, e grondanti di zucchero. Sono le 11 di mattina, e io ho appena finito di fare colazione. A onor del vero, anche a stomaco vuoto non cambierebbe nulla. Insiste perché ne provi uno, o magari anche due. Insiste perché è un regalo, perché sono deliziosi, sono fatti a mano e perché pensa di farmi un piacere.
Devo trovare una scusa plausibile, nascondere l’imbarazzo, ed eliminare i dolci dal frigo al più presto possibile. Ma la cosa più difficile è non essere capace di rifiutare dicendo la più semplice verità: che quello che mi sta offrendo non è un regalo, ma una trappola per lo stomaco e una tortura per la mente.
Senza offesa.

Labirinto

Lollipop — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 01:50:24 +0000

Mi sembra di impazzire. La mente se ne va per i fatti suoi, i pensieri si fanno incontrollabili, bui e irrazionali.
A volte non so piu’ chi sono veramente. Due opposti che si alternano, si prendono gioco di me e non mi danno tregua.

Lontani

Lollipop — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 07:22:30 +0000

Crescere insieme allontanandosi sempre di piu’. Vita parallela che non conosci. Sai chi sono ma non mi vedi.
Mi hai incontrato cosi’, malata e nascosta. Non ti ho potuto regalare la spensieratezza di quella che ero prima, e non ti e’ possibile sapere la differenza.

Senza Titolo

Lollipop — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 03:34:27 +0000

Non riesco a fare altro che punirmi. Sentirmi sola, abbandonata, e incolparmi per questo pensiero. Soffio su quella scintilla di vita e felicita’ che a sorpresa riesce ancora ad accendersi. Vorrei alimentarla, e invece continuo a spegnerla, ogni giorno, senza piu’ alcun senso.

No Exit

Lollipop — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 18:25:32 +0000

Rassegnarsi. Ci sono giorni in cui mi sembra l’unica via d’uscita. Accettarsi così, lasciarsi andare e smettere questa inutile lotta con se stessi.
Perché anche chiudere gli occhi e sognare la libertà costa troppa fatica.

August 8th, 2011

Lollipop — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 22:06:00 +0000

3.05 pm

I screwed up today. And yesterday too, if you want to know. I didn’t have the heart to tell you, like we had decided. I didn’t want to disappoint you, but more than that, I thought you’d be scared of me.
But why? Why yesterday? An why today, when we’ve just had the sweetest night together and I left your place satisfied and content?

This is the damage that I’ve done to myself.
I feel hopeless. Please help me.

August 2nd, 2011

Lollipop — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 07:25:26 +0000

1.26 am

I’ve been kind to myself in the last 3 or 4 days. That’s because my mind is consumed by the idea of you coming back. I am swept away by the excitement of our relationship and the energy of us two, together. I hope it’s a good thing. But scary. I need to do this alone. I need to find the strength within.

July 27th, 2011

Lollipop — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 18:32:35 +0000

I had the most beautiful, relaxing, fun day yesterday, just enjoying the quietness of the countryside, the beauty of the trees and calmness of the water. Me and her talked for hours and opened up the door to a new, unexpected, treasured friendship.

9pm, and I’m back to the cold darkness of this prison, my consuming pain.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??

I won’t be able to write you today, because I feel miserable, I can’t lie and you don’t deserve this. But I may feel better, and then you won’t even notice. It’ll make no difference. I’m drowning, and it makes no fucking difference.
It’s like a ride on a rollercoaster. Sometimes I just wish it crashed. Then peace will be real and rest will be forever.

July 23rd, 2011

Lollipop — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 21:54:29 +0000

3.17 pm

Helpless, alone, scared. And stubborn, and selfish, and childish. I’m ashamed of myself. I don’t deserve your loving kindness, yet I need it now more than ever. Forgive me if all I do is taking your love and tearing it apart, if I destroy even the slightest idea of happiness and egoistically keep going back to my prison, that safe, dark space where I can consume my body and slash my soul.
Years over years over years of this torture. Looking back, I find no memories, nothing worth remembering. Just pain, panic, and frightening thoughts. Countless hours wasted down the toilet. And this is entirely my fault. I can only blame myself for being so stubborn, determined to stay alone, sick and unhappy.
I could start getting better if I wanted to, but this is me, and I’m not ready to give it up.

Why did this happen today? That’s a very good question, if I say so myself. My friend moved the trip to Napa to tomorrow, and other plans fell apart too. This is a good enough reason to let me down in the dark, that endless time space with nothing to do and no things to plan. That lazy, slippery, endless passing of time. I know this. FUCK! I know this. How many times have I experienced it before? Hundreds, yet I keep making the same mistake. I pretend to be strong, and normal, and in control.
Who am I kidding? How many times I’ve said to myself breathe, relax, go for a walk, make a phone call, get the fuck out, find a distraction, just about anything that can grab your attention, or else you’re lost.
Those are all good suggestion. But I can’t take them. Once the seed is planted, I’m not capable of removing it. It spreads through my brain, grows under my skin, it demands attention, making my heart pulse faster, my flesh thirsty, and my mind defenseless. It’s stronger than me, and will always win, this alluring ED that’s ruining my life.

July 22nd, 2011

Lollipop — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 05:22:43 +0000

5.01 pm

I felt better today, no temptation of sort. It’s a warm, sunny day, and I don’t want to waste this gift again. I was around my friend for the most dangerous part of the day, and I know that helped a lot. Yes, there are certain moments during the day when I feel weaker, and it’s usually around mid-day, when I see the full afternoon in front of me, I don’t want to allow myself to eat much (whether I feel hungry or not, it doesn’t matter), yet sometimes the hours ahead feel like a long and impossible task. My mind wanders on its own, going back inevitably to its obsession. When it happens, I have to force it to move away from that dangerous thought, and most of the times I fail, and I know I’ll do. There is no reason to try fighting, it just delays the whole fucking process. It’s like an impossible fight: when I feel that urge, I recognize it immediately and I know I’ll eventually give in, it happened million times before and I am no different now.
But this didn’t happen today. I didn’t need to fight my addiction, and time went by almost like a normal, relaxing summer day. Yet I know how easy it is to slip, I’ve been here before. It’s a vicious cycle that sucked me in. I let it happen, I allowed myself to be sucked in, and part of me doesn’t want to get rid of this. It’s like playing with life and death; it’s dangerous and fascinating at the same time. It may make no sense, but it does to me.
For now, I only have one simple desire: let the day end like a normal, relaxing summer day. I just want to be normal. One day at a time. How hard can that be?